I’ve been fortunate and unfortunate in my life in many things. Most who know me would say I’ve been unfortunate in the sector of love, but I mean every heart break is a lesson…right?
I try to think that I have utilized those loves of the past effectively. Trying to learn a thing or two and of course, never not ever, carry anything negative-forward.
Well 1. I am human 2. I am a woman 3. These are my excuses and I’m sticking to them!
So, why am I sorry to my husband, well because I am a jerk. He has asked me to be a stay at home mom from almost the beginning of our relationship however I have carried some past baggage with me. I’ve undermined his character and never validated his good intentions.
For as long as I can remember, I have worked or went to pursue some sort of schooling. None of which had amounted to much of anything because of the constant lack of support from my ex’s. So, when my husband supported my idea to return to school, night school at that to follow a career dream…I held on to that HARD!
I have ALWAYS worked and as a single mother you start to develop this “no one is going to take care of me or mine” mentality. I watched my mother go through a divorce after an 18 year marriage and she walked away with nothing-I never wanted to be in that position. I always preached that you needed to have something outside of your husband- for yourself. I never wanted a man to have financial control over me again- he could make more, but I would have my own so I could safely walk away.
That is what I am sorry about. The predisposed notion I had that you wont be here. The thought process where you will walk away or commit some act of betrayal like all the rest. I am sorry for thinking we will be a statistic and for googling those statistics. So, I am here to publicly tell you, I’m sorry.
I am sorry for knowing with out a shadow of a doubt you are my forever and not fully embracing that. I’m sorry for planning our future marriage failure even though I have known the type of man you were from the minute you paid the babysitter for me with your own money and left mine in the cabinet…while we were just hardly dating!
I am sorry for not truly understanding what a giving nature you have when all you have ever done is give me everything you have! The most important being love, respect and support. I am sorry for not remembering you are such a God fearing man, you pleaded with me to find the Lord in my life so you didn’t spend eternity with out me.
I forgot how much you helped me on this spiritual journey with my faith. I am sorry for assuming those countless hours of marital devotions were just unimportant readings. I am sorry I have forgot how much you supported me through night school and my career that I have let my ego get the best of me and disregarded all of the above.
You deserve more credit than I have breath. You are the type of man that I know woman pray about. You’re the type of man women whisper into the dark at night- hoping someone will hear their desperation and fill the void. You are offering me a position in our home so many women dream about and the only thing I can do (because of past heart aches) is distrust you and find every reason to say NO YOU WILL LEAVE. I am just, so sorry.
This stops now. I am replacing my “I’m sorry” with thank you. Thank you for having the character that I have only ever dreamed about. Thank you for loving me so intensely I still get giddy—and slightly uncomfortable. Thank you for being so committed to our marriage I still can’t tell other people about it because I feel like they won’t believe it. Thank you for showing me that love prevails and love conquers all. Thank you for giving me everything you have even when I don’t think it is enough. Thank you for giving me the security I desperately crave and allowing me to be able to let go of some control that I struggle so hard to hang on to.
I am comfortably closing a chapter in my life and trusting you beyond all measure that my best interest will always be before yours. HOW AMAZING IS THAT? I appreciate your selflessness in supporting me to be a stay at home mom! Thank you for allowing me to fully believe that term “is enough”. Thank you for giving me the grace and mercy to learn through these trials and tribulations. Thank you for making me believe I can be a phenomenal women inside my home and not to discredit the job that it is! I can not imagine being on this journey with anyone else, in this one act, you have given me more than you could ever imagine.
Thank you for loving me through all of this. I love you.
Stay at home mom and YOUR wife,
Ron reading the blog for the first time before it went out. What an amazing moment. I love you beau.